


Living Dead

by TwistedTongue



Category: K-pop, SHINee
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 10:04:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4560486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedTongue/pseuds/TwistedTongue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a tragic lifestyle leaves Key scarred, He moves into the heart of South Korea - Seoul.<br/>Where he meets Kim Jonghyun, a creative boy who works at a Bookstore.<br/>And almost immediately he notices something odd about Key.<br/>He always seems so distant.<br/>Like he's there, but a part of him Isn't.<br/>Like a part of him is never there, like he lost it somewhere along the way.<br/>He always looks ill, and he fidgets, and he's anxious and jumpy constantly.<br/>It's like he's a ghost.<br/>A ghost that needs life pumping into him to keep him going.<br/>He wanders around at night and mumbles to himself all the time.<br/>It's like he's mad.<br/>He's living without acknowledging it.</p><p>____</p><p>PLEASE NOTE: I wrote this a long while ago. It was published on my wattpad prior to this! I haven't edited or changed anything from the original work! ~ Liz</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

'Appa, where is Umma going?' I asked, holding onto my fathers hand.

'On holiday, that building is a hotel where Angels work' he replied, smiling sadly.

'How long will she be gone?' 

'Nobody knows, for as long as she feels it' He squeezed my hand and picked me up.

I looked back at the grey building.

'Come back soon Umma' I whispered. 

That's not true, I know that now. That place was not a hotel. Well. A hotel for the Mentally challenged maybe. But my Dad couldn't tell me that. I was 3 and confused and just beginning to understand the world. I still stumbled around and had a 'cute' lisp.

"Can I see him?" I asked, standing at the desk in the foyer of Graetham Mental institute.

"We don't accept visitors after 7:30" the woman said in a monotone voice.

"But he's my dad!"

"Well, boy, your dad needs rest and quiet. Come back tomorrow"

"I can't!"

"That's your problem, move along" she mumbled, paying attention to her computer (it wasn't a register of the patients at all, she was playing solitaire. I could see it reflected in her glasses)

And that's what happened to my dad, just like my mum. Off to Graetham, just like the rest of my family. It's probably me next. 

I held the bottle up to my mouth and breathed in the smell of soju. It danced on my tongue and I couldn't resist drinking some.

This is me now, the pain and torture of the loss of my parents scarred me so much I ended up abusing the money I had. My home was a dirty old apartment that I barely saw anyway. I still payed the taxes, when I had the money to. I tended to drink away worries and cares if I ever had them.

Not like I need worries anyway, right? May as well get rid of them.

Not to mention the cigarette packet stuffed in my hoodie pocket. I burn through three of those a day, using each cig until the smoke tickles my fingertips and I feel the heat of the flame on my hands. 

I've tried to stop millions of times before. But every time I tried I remember the pain I went through and then I start all over again. I don't have any friends to talk to about it. I'm alone in the wild and hurting world. 

I'm just glad to be here.

Well not here. I'm never there, or here. I'm never anywhere. 

I'm not really alive anymore. I don't feel the rush of anything. Everyday feels like a chore that i labour myself through.


	2. Chapter 1

I kicked a can on the side of the street, blowing smoke out from between my teeth. It was 6 in the morning and I could see my breath tangle with the smoke. Not many people were awake right now. Unless they were working. But I knew one place that would be open. 

I stood in front of the bookstore. Peeling paint and a vintage bell, you'd never expect to see someone like me here. 

Me. Me with the cigarette and the soju. The one that is slowly going insane. The one that everyone avoided in Highschool. They knew. They all knew. Somehow they all knew my parents went mental. For no reason. One minute they were laughing and then something flickered in their mind. A spark ignited and that made them click. 

I sighed and stubbed the cigarette on a wall. Guess I'd go through four today.

I pushed open the door and shut it quietly. 

Nobody was at the desk most of the time. I may as well steal something, nobody would notice.

But this time when I opened the door someone was there. 

"Hello~" He said cheerily, looking up from a book.

I haven't seen someone smile at me for ages. I haven't heard someones voice in ages. At least, not a calm voice. I'm so used to people shouting at me.

"Uh..." I coughed, "Hi" 

I hadn't heard my own voice in ages either, I lived most of my life in mute.

The Desk Boy smiled and went back to his book.

I'm surprised I remembered how to read. I barely come here often anymore, not like I used to. 

I went into a corner and sat on a chair, looking around. I wasn't here for a book. I just needed heat. Heat and time to think.

I used to have money, until I turned to cigarettes and alcohol for trust and help. I used to go to clubs and forget everything. I had nothing I wanted to remember anyway. I used to have one-night stands where I'd make myself wake up first so I had time to disappear. The world wouldn't remember me anyway. I never got ill from alcohol. I never got ill from smoking. I never got ill full stop. I didn't feel...anything.

I sat there, just thinking for a while. When I saw someone come up to me. 

"You ok?" 

I looked up.

"Uh...yeah.....?" 

"Really? You came in an hour ago and sat down and haven't moved since" TheDeskBoy sat in a chair near me.

"I'm Jonghyun" he smiled, sticking a hand out.

I smiled slightly. 

Taking it and shaking it uncertainly. 

"I'm...Key" I mumbled.

"You're not ok. You smell like nicotine and don't look any better" 

I looked at my feet.

"What's wrong?"

"Everything" I muttered, "I don't have money, my apartment is a piece of crap and I'm drowning my life in soju and fogging it up with smoke" 

"I'll help you" Jonghyun said.

"What?" 

"I'll help you, get up" he said, pulling me up.

"Ok...." 

"Take me to your apartment" 

I nodded, leading the way. As we left he turned the sign on the door to 'closed'

"We have to walk" I said.

"I'll manage" 

We spoke the whole way there, me saying everything there is to know about me and holding back tears and him explaining his family business and life so far. We practically became best friends in an hour, making me scared to show him my apartment.

From what I remembered from the last time I went, it was a tip.

I remembered bottles all over the place and empty cigarette packets piled in crappy bins. I remembered blades in the bathroom and pills in the kitchen. 

I remembered a scene that just oozed death and depression.

When we got there it was 8 o clock, I opened the door and switched the light on, hands in my pockets.

"Oh my god" He whispered, "we need to clean this, right now"


	3. Chapter 2

I would have hung my head in another situation. But I really didn't care.

Cigarette packets piled up in bins and soju bottles, some cracked, sat in corners. I barely came here, so I often forgot what it even looked like.

"Key..." Jong whispered, "what happened?" 

"Life happened"

"But-"

"It did, don't correct me. At least my life happened. I don't even feel like I'm alive. I could sleep for two days and I'd wake up tired. I am not alive. I have to wreck myself to feel something. But all I feel when I do is the same as..poking someone. I don't feel anything anymore"

He stared at me.

"We are cleaning this place up" he said slowly.

"I barely come here" 

"Yeah, but you will. I'm getting you a job. I'm getting you a life. I'll move in here. Everyday you came into that bookstore I've seen you. You haven't seen me but I've seen you. I know you inside and out" 

"You don't need to" I whispered.

"Yes I do. Now shut up and help me" he hissed.

I stood there. He sighed.

"Did you drop out of school?" 

"No"

"Then wh- did you even go to school?"

"Nope" I tried to smile.

"Oh my god..." He sat down on the edge of an armchair, "that's it. We are cleaning this rats nest and I'm moving in and I'm gonna be moral support until you sort your life out"

I swallowed and sighed.

"Can you start with the kitchen then?"

"Why..."

"Because if you don't my life will get worse"

He stared at me, "mwo?"

"Go look" I mumbled, shoving the door open and stepping in myself.

He peeked in.

"Oh my god"

The metallic smell of blood and stale alcohol saturated the air. A couple of blades found there way into the room too. Just like the rest of the house, the kitchen was a disaster.

"This is why I'm here" he said, switching the light on. 

I sat on the counter, "Get rid of everything" 

"Why?"

"Anything that reminds me of my past makes me want to hurt myself more. Living in this house was like being a claustrophobic in a small space. I felt trapped by history. I didn't want what I saw in my past to be my future. Get rid of anything and everything. Please." I begged.


	4. Chapter 3

Back then, the pain came in bursts. The pain came like a pulse. It would rise into my head. It'd rise like the blood from the scars I gave myself. There was no way to stop it. I was haunted by everything that had happened to me.

And if history repeats itself soon.

I'll be dead. In a mental institute. 

That's why I want everything gone. Everything I have now I have for a reason, though.

The blades? Speak for themselves. Soju, no. Alcohol in general, to drown out the past. Cigarettes to give me that little bit of freedom. But I can never be free. You can't free something that isn't exactly...alive.

I feel numb most of the time. I can't feel anything at all. I could ask someone to shoot me because I wouldn't care. Because I wouldn't feel it.

I sat on the counter and watched him clean it up. I didn't care that my blades and soju and cigarettes were going. I use them but I don't need them. I'll just bang my head against the wall to feel something, i don't care. I'll find a new way to get release.

"Key you need to help me"

"If I help clean up I'll drink and cut myself and I don't want you, you out of all people, to witness that"

He sighed, "fine...but you're gonna need to start doing things for yourself"

I nodded slowly and hugged my knees. 

I did that a lot, hug my knees. I did it all the time. As if I thought I'd be safer. But I'm never safer. I'm only on this earth to be present in situations. It doesn't matter where I am. Most people don't notice I'm there. I'm invisible. I'm like a ghost. I'm only noticed when people want to use me.

Like when this all started. The soju "obsession" began when I started to feel depressed and went to a bar downtown. Some chick saw me. I must have looked so vulnerable, she wouldn't have came over if I hadn't. And then I don't remember much apart from waking up the next morning smelling like alcohol and perfume. And then leaving before she woke up. God forbid I ever meet her again.

But that kept happening, over and over until I just gave up and isolated myself. But that made everything so much worse. I saw myself become violent and addicted to pain. I heard myself mumble stuff to myself. Just like my parents, I was slowly going completely and utterly insane. I'd end up rotting away in a damp room in the local mental institute. No, not a damp room. A padded one, and I'd be in a freaking straight jacket.

I watched him clean out my entire apartment, switch lights and clean carpets and clothes and furniture. At the end of it all, it didn't even look like my home. 

"Next time, you clean it" He mumbled. 

He didn't mention the amount of ash scattered around the house, or the alcohol stains. Or the dry blood in the bathroom. Or the cracked mirrors.

He didn't mention anything.

It's like he didn't remember any of what he'd seen.

But I remembered everything.

I remembered breaking down in that bathroom, punching the mirror and crying in the bath as my hands bled.

I remembered putting the cigarettes out on any surface I could find.

I remembered it all.

Every. Little. Moment.


	5. Chapter 4

I have made a terrible decision. One that will make my sanity go downhill all over again.

I walked through the rusty, black gates, Jonghyun tagging along behind me.

Jug-eum-ui gyegog. Valley of the dead. The local cemetery. Across the street from Graetham Mental Institute. Where my parents were. 

Now I stand where they are, a single white rose in my hand. 

"You didn't have to come here y'know" Jong whispered.

"Yes I did! I spent most of my life drinking to forget they died but I can't do it anymore!" I mumbled sharply, eyes misting over.

He sighed and nodded. I turned to the grave. It was an old grave, cracked, chipped with moss raging across corners. It was tilted to one side. And it was in the corner. Cold and forgotten. I brushed dust off the words engraved in the stone, revealing my parents' names. 

Something was eerily haunting about the grave. Other than the fact it was my own parents, of course. They were buried together. They both died at the same time. Exactly the same time. Same building, both equally insane. 

"They're coming" she whispered, squeezing her hands into fists so hard her knuckles went as white as her face. 

"Eomma?" 

My dad rushed into the room, holding me. 

"Kibum-Ah. Go to your room"

"But...Appa. What's wrong with Eomma?" I asked.

"She's just...tired..."

"Tired? TIRED? How can I be TIRED? I AM FULLY AWAKE!" She hissed, her blood shot eyes proving otherwise.

"Hyo-" 

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" She yelled, holding the sides of her head.

I hid behind my dad, scared now. Scared of my own mother. 

"They're coming!" She gasped loudly, clutching the table.

My dad pushed me farther behind him and walked over to my mother.

"hyolyn, Calm. Down"

She grabbed his shirt and pulled him down. 

"SHUT UP!" She shouted. 

I was frozen to the spot, I wanted to run, to block this out. Block the world out for a few hours.

"Hyol-" 

"They Are Close" she spat.

"They are too close!" She gasped.

"Who are They?" My father asked quietly.

"Dangerous! Possessive! Clingy!" My mother yelled, dropping my fathers shirt and pulling at her own hair.

My mother often had those quirks. Every day I'd have to listen to her screaming. And she always said the same thing. "they're coming". Then one day she stopped. Collapsed in a heap in the living room, unconscious. Seemingly for no reason. When the hospital van came she woke up, shaking, eyes blood shot like before, face white and hands clammy. 

"She's gone" 

He twitched.

"Appa?" 

I was 16 now. And now my dad was going insane. Like my mum did 6 years ago.

I slowly left the room and picked up the phone. And taking a deep breath, I called the hospital. 

As soon as they arrived, just like 6 years ago, my dad started shaking, eyes slowly became bloodshot, his face drained of colour and hands became clammy.

His sudden sanity change left me alone in the house, surrounded by the memories. Surrounded by Them. So I gathered money and moved into a flat, it was ok for a while. But then I started feeling surrounded by Them again. They clung to my clothes and possessions. They couldn't be washed out. They would be there forever, They would never leave me alone.

Leaving me in the position I am now,

++

"NoNoNoNo!' I sat up in bed holding my temples.

Jong sat up from his bed on the floor, "Kibum, what are you-"

I slid out of bed holding the sides of my head and shaking it. "NoNoNo" I whispered.

He sat up and held my shoulders.

"Key what are you talking about?" 

"Don't touch me!" I choked, squeezing my eyes shut.

He dropped his hands from my shoulders, "Key what is going on?"

I looked at him "They...They" 

I couldn't finish, my vision clouded and I felt hot all over. 

I collapsed onto the floor.


	6. Chapter 5

I woke up on the sofa. My head hurt. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. Jonghyun was asleep in a chair opposite me. Then it hit me.   
I remembered last night.  
I remembered waking up. I remembered fainting and I remembered mumbling something.  
But why and what I don't know.  
I could only remember flashes.   
Figures that vaguely resembled aliens. But they were too human to be aliens. Way, way too human. Human and ghostly.  
I choked on my breath. I was crying, but I don't know why. Why is there so much I don't know?   
I tried to stay quiet as I went back to my bedroom, I didn't want to wake up Jonghyun.  
I leant on my dresser, hands shaking as I unlocked and opened a drawer. Seeing the weapons made me cry even more. I didn't want to do this. I was crying, but I didn't feel hurt. I didn't feel anything. I needed to make myself feel something.   
I grabbed a blade with shaking hands and quickly shut the drawer and locked it. I crept into the bathroom, trying to stay silent. But the door creaked as I opened it.  
"Crap" I mumbled, slipping into the room and shutting the door.   
He'd be awake. He'd see I'm not on the sofa and he'd know where I was.  
I leant on the sink.   
A knock on the door.  
"Key? Are you alright?"   
"Yes" I tried to keep steady, but it came out choked.   
I'd blown it. He peeked round the door and entered the room.  
"Key..."   
I nodded, shaking.  
"Hand me the blade" he said calmly.  
I shook my head. He put out his hand anyway. I slowly dropped it in his hand.  
"You're not ok"   
I winced as he flushed it down the toilet, metal crashing against porcelain.   
"Come here"   
I stood in front of him.   
He pulled me into a hug.  
"Don't do that again" he whispered.   
"I'm sorry" I coughed, "the blades are in the top drawer of my nightstand. Get rid of them"   
And he did. I barely saw blades again. I barely saw Soju. I only saw the cigarettes of other people.  
~~  
I was still trying to figure out why I woke up last night. I had ideas. I felt like it linked to my parents. But how? Was it them?   
Did they wake me up? How is that even possible?  
"Jonghyun-ssi. Can I visit the graveyard again?"   
He shook his head.  
"I have a feeling that the graveyard is what made you wake up last night"   
I sighed. "But-"   
"Key I don't want you to go through that again. I have work tomorrow and I don't want to be up late fixing a quirk that my friend had because he made it happen"   
I frowned. "You have work tomorrow?"  
He nodded. "Yes..."  
"Can I come? I don't want to be left alone..."  
He gave me a weird look, "Yeah you can come...I can introduce you to my parents..."  
The corners of my mouth turned up, "thanks"  
Did I just smile? I haven't done that in a while.   
~~  
The next day, we both walked into the bookstore.  
I was introduced to his parents and spoke to them until the store closed. They seemed to like me.  
"My parents liked you then? What did you tell them?"  
"Everything!"   
"Everything? Like what?"   
"That my parents are dead...that I lived alone and am a recovering self-harmer and a recovering soju and cigarette addict"  
"You..okay...good..."   
~~   
My parents.  
The...things...in my nightmare. They were my parents.   
But it wasn't a nightmare.  
For nightmares you don't just wake up...and remember it for ages. You don't collapse.   
You don't investigate.  
But those things. They were definitely my parents. Were the Things why my parents went insane?   
Does this mean I will go insane?  
"What are you thinking about?" Jong asked as we sat on the couch, staring at the TV. We weren't really watching it. Just looking.  
"How I'm gonna live the rest of my life" I yawned.   
"Tired?"   
I nodded and leant on him, eyes slowly shutting. 

+++++

I looked down at him, sleeping. His head on my shoulder, hugging my arm.   
I smiled softly.  
"Goodnight Key" I whispered.


	7. Chapter 6

That morning I went for a walk. Just a walk. I felt like I needed it. I went early so I was back in time for jong to be awake. I grabbed a coat and walked out. It was cold, freezing for the beginning of Winter. Frost and ice hid windows and decorated cars.   
I could see my breath like smoke in front of me.  
I hadn't had a cigarette in weeks. Even the thought of them disgusted me now. Soju was a different story but I practically forgot cigarettes existed.  
As I walked down streets I felt watched. It's a strange feeling. Another pair of eyes trained to look at you. I looked around every few seconds, nervous and anxious.   
"Hey" I stopped, slowly turning around.  
"You don't remember me?" The girl tilted her head, pouting.  
I shook my head, "M-Mianhe, should I?"  
"I'm Celeste!" She said, exasperated for a second before softening again.  
She wore a short dress and heels even in this cold weather.   
She brushed three fingers against my cheek and I winced back.   
"Mwo? We were friends in school! How are your parents Hm?" A smirk played at her lips and she stepped forward, "having fun where they belong?"   
My mouth dropped open slightly.  
"I visited them yesterday actually, why am I asking you this?" She slapped her forehead and smiled. "They said hi"  
I stared at her.  
"They got a puppy. Excitable little terror, cute though. Why don't you visit them sometime? They miss you!"   
I shook my head, still shocked.  
"Mi-Mianhe i have to go"   
I rushed back home and slammed the door.  
Jong sat up on the sofa, "Mwo? What happened?"  
"I went for a walk and a girl said she visited my parent-"  
"Key your cheek is bleeding"   
"What?"  
"Your cheek. Is bleeding"  
I touched it softly and my finger came away red and sticky. I looked back up at him, shock plastered on my face.


	8. Chapter 7

"It had to be her! It had to be!"   
"How?"  
"She touched my cheek when she was talking to me!"  
"That's ridiculous though, impossible"  
"So is the fact she said she met my parents!"  
He frowned, shaking his head. "Stop imagining things Key"  
"I'm not! She was really there she really said those things!" I stepped back, "Why don't you believe me? I'm not-" my hand flew to my mouth.   
"I'm insane. Aren't I?" I whimpered.  
He immediately shook his head and grabbed my shoulders.  
"You're NOT! Okay? Calm down. Please?"  
"Then explain the GIRL then! Give me proof that I'm sane"  
"Well...for a start-" he stopped.  
"Exactly! You can't prove ANYTHING! I'm insane! I KNEW IT" I pulled away and ran upstairs.  
I needed to be alone. To stop this bleeding and just think.  
Something didn't add up.  
What if she was lying?   
But then how would she know about my parents?  
I never told anyone apart from-  
"Celeste..." I whispered.  
But she left ages ago. She never kept in touch. One day she was here and the next she wasn't.  
She just. Disappeared.  
Just like everyone else I knew.  
But what if she was back? People change. Personalities change. It can only be her.   
Celeste was back.


	9. Chapter 8

Celeste was back. Fuck. No. This can't happen! She moved to France for a 5 year course.

She moved 5 years ago. Shit.

She was back and the chances that she'd be leaving again to any other country was basically little to none. She was here and here to stay.

And she haunted me. We used to be best friends. Then my parents slowly started going insane and she slowly started to tease me until she won me over and I was left a teary mess in the corner of the lunch hall. She was always smarter, meaner and overall better than me. At everything. Which meant she could figure out my weaknesses, my strengths, my secrets. She knew stuff about my heritage without ever meeting them. She was both psycho and psychic. And neither of those things are entirely good. And in that sense, i never really told her about my parents, she just had some weird idea and made me confirm it.

She had piercing white eyes, silver hair to her hips, porcelain skin and a slim figure. And like a knife to head, she hit me where it hurts. 

And she returned. 

She knew what hurt me so she mentioned my parents, and with some creepy skill she cut my cheek.

I washed the cut until the bleeding stopped and didn't put a plaster over it. I didn't care that others might point it out - Scars are no stranger to me. 

I walked out of the bathroom. Of course Jonghyun was leaning on the wall. He wouldn't let me past so i just gave in and let him pull me into a hug.

He was...comforting. He smelt nice too. Like...citrus and the smell of fresh rain. I don't know what cologne he uses but god i hope he never runs out. I could fall asleep right there...

"Are you okay now? You kind of just...ran out.." He asked softly.

I nodded, burying my cheek into his chest and sighing softly. I could practically hear him smile and he pulled me closer.

"I'm sorry i just ran out...I was panicking and trying to cope with what just happened..." 

"Hey. It's fine...don't worry" 

At this point I yawned loudly.

"Ugh...All i do is eat, drink and sleep..." I pouted.

"I take it you want to sleep?" 

I nodded, clinging onto his shirt, "Carry me" I mumbled.

And he did, he carried me downstairs and he gently put me down on the sofa. He leant back to leave but i just pulled him down again.

"Aniyo...Stay...I'm cold and you're warm..." I muttered groggily, looking up at him through sleepy eyes.

He smiled, sitting beside me and letting me rest my head on his lap.

As i slowly drifted off into a deep sleep, i felt him push some hair out of my face and lean down.

Then i felt him kiss my forehead softly.

I wish i'd been awake to kiss him properly.


	10. Chapter 9

When I woke up I was slumped in the bath. I must have sleepwalked last night. I sat there for a moment, thinking it over. I'd never done that before. I was usually a peaceful sleeper. Why now did I start sleepwalking?

Oh. Wait a second. I know. I know exactly why.

I'm going insane, aren't I? How stupid I am to think for a minute that i was okay. I'm not okay. I'll never be okay. Hah, I don't remember a time when I felt okay.

I laughed to myself, 'Stupid Boy..'

I got up and stumbled into the living room, a tiny smile on my face.Jonghyun was still asleep, but he stirred when I entered the room. I sat down on a chair and bit my lip.

'Stupid boy..You're not okay...'

His eyes fluttered and he woke up, slowly heaving himself into an upright position.

'Good morning Ke- Are..you...okay...?' He asked slowly.

'Yes i'm fine!' I snapped, 'Stupid boy no you're not!' I slapped myself. Why did I slap myself?

'Woah...Okay' He knelt down in front of me and grabbed my hands.

I tried to wriggle out of his grasp. He wouldn't let go. And...I...for lack of better term, snarled.

He looked taken aback for a second and so did I. I shook my head and bit my lip, trying to relax.

'Key...?' Holding my wrists in one hand and feeling my head with the other, 'Hm...You're normal temperature...'

I started shaking, eyes widened, lower lip quivering, I slowly shook my head.

'Jong stop' I whispered, voice cracking, looking at him, 'I need help, stop trying to hide it' 

He looked down, 'sorry..'

'I need to go somewhere'

'Where?'

'Graetham'

~~

So thats why i'm standing outside the building i knew too well.

That held too many memories.

That used to hold my parents.

The building practically screamed 'welcome home. enjoy your stay. you're so insane you'll never fucking leave'

 

I breathed out, I grabbed his hand and squeezed it until my knuckles went white.

I didn't want to go.

I didn't want to die in a cell like my parents.

I just wanted to be happy.

'Maybe we should try harder before we go here...' Jonghyun suggested.

I nodded slowly, 'good idea...' I mumbled.

Anything to get away from there.

I didnt want to go now, I want to wait a little longer.

So we went home, sat down and just thought. 

'Key. We're going on a holiday.'

'We're what?'


	11. Chapter 10

Someone tell me why i just landed in London.

Someone please help me speak english.

'Jong...You do realise i never learnt English right'

'Eh...Well i have a phrase book..'

'You didn't plan this at all, did you?'

'Nope'

I sighed, grabbing the book off of him and slowly attempting to read it.

'I thought England was all...tea...and...posh. These don't seem to be about that at all'

'Prejudice...' He mumbled.

'There's a list of insults!' I grinned, turning to him, 'Finally, i can insult people and they will have no clue what i'm saying!'

He grinned at me, noticing how happy i felt. 

I was in a new country, a new enviroment, learning new things. It felt fantastic. It must be weird - i'm getting excited over little things...

'hell...o' i mumbled to myself, ever so slowly getting the hang of things.

Later on we headed back to the hotel. Being surrounded by fresh bedsheets and clean rooms was a great feeling.

I sat on the bed and looked around. Two single beds, a chest of drawers, a slidy door to the bathroom, a desk...

'Aish...This place is better than mine...' i mumbled.

'Ehh...I'm gonna shower okay?' Jong said, a towel on his shoulder.

I looked up at him and nodded, grabbing my suitcase and unpacking stuff into the bedside table and chest of drawers.

After that, I sat on the bed and read my way through the phrase book.

It wasn't long before i heard the bathroom door slide open as Jong walked out. My concentration turned to him and i blushed and hid my face behind a pillow.

'Y-Y-Yah! For gods sakes put a shirt on!' I mumbled, 'For pete's sake, Jjong!'

'Aigoo...But i'm so comfy~ Y'know i usually sleep like this...I only put a shirt on for decency when i first moved in..' He teased.

'M-mwo? Fine...I can't stop you from having habits..'

He pushed the pillow down from my face.

'You can't have your eyes shut forever Bummie~'

'Y-Yah!' I grabbed it and hit him over the head with it, 'Just go sleep!' I pouted.

'Fine~~' He grabbed a pair of pajama trousers, ducked into the bathroom to change then came out and - for lack of better term - flopped onto his bed.

~~~

I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, i pushed my covers off, catching my breath and sitting up. I shifted my position so i sat on the edge of the bed.

Breathe in...

breathe out..

in...out.

Aiish...Don't do this here.

It was just a dream Kibum.

Just. A. Dream.

I can't go back to sleep.

I got up, wearily looking at Jjong.

I sighed, i nudged his arm, 'Jonghyun?' I mumbled, 'Jjong?'

He stirred, 'Mwo?'

'Y-you don't mind...i-if i sleep beside you...r-right?'

'Aniyo~' He opened his arms sleepily, eyes finding me in the dark, 'C'mere'

I smiled slightly and sat down before laying down. His arms dropped, hugging me close.

I felt calmer now, I was blushing softly.

He's so kind...

'Goodnight~'

'Goodnight~'


	12. Chapter 11

I woke up first, hands resting on his arms.

I smiled to myself and slowly turned to look at him. When i did it, i felt a weird...rush. 

and it confused me.

i don't...love him...do i?

I saw people on TV be intimate to see if there was a 'spark'

Me?

Intimate...with Kim Jonghyun...

I sighed to myself, biting my lip and trying to control myself without moving too much - it might wake him up.

Although..he IS a heavy sleeper..

'I could always try...'

i slowly leaned forward.

I rested my forehead against his, closing my eyes.

I rested my hands on his shoulders.

And kissed him softly.

'Having fun?' He mumbled.

I jumped back, blushing and hiding my face. 'Y-Yah i thought you were asleep...'

He laughed, 'Aniya~ I woke up when you turned around.'

I was hiding behind a pillow, 'Asshole...'

'Why'd you kiss me?'

'Wanted to know what it felt like'

'What did it feel like?'

'A spark'

I felt his gaze burn through the pillow, 'Hmm...I dunno...'

I pouted.

'Want to try again?'

I slowly lowered the pillow. 'A-Again?'

He nodded, tugging me closer.

I was bright red again.

This time, it was different.

There was more co-operation. The spark was so strong this time around.

It felt right.

It felt real.

It felt perfect.

'I...definitely...felt...' I gulped.

'a spark..' He finished smiling.

I nodded, blushing.

~~

The rest of the afternoon was spent testing out English, touring London hand in hand.

I felt comfortable.

I felt...Ecstatic....

I was happy for the first time in my life.

I never realized happiness was found behind the desk of a bookstore.


	13. Chapter 12

After packing, we headed back to the airport and went home.

I fell asleep on his arm.

I felt like i lifted some sort of weight off of my shoulders. I felt relaxed.

When i woke up, we were about to land, he was asleep so i nudged him to wake him up.

We finally arrived at home and i flopped on the sofa.

Jetlag.

Ew.

I sighed, burying my face in a pillow, He sat beside me and hugged me, 'Tired? It disappears after a while...'

'Good' I mumbled, yawning.

He shifted position so i could lie down. Eventually we drifted off.

A few months past.

We moved into a new apartment.

I got a fresh start.


	14. Chapter 13

I opened my eyes, He was sleeping beside me, i shuffled closer until our noses touched.

'Jjongie-Ah~ Wake up~'

He shook his head, 'Aniya~' 

I pouted, 'Yeobo...'

He shook his head again.

'Jonghyun-Ssi...' I folded my arms and feigned annoyance.

He immediately sat up, 'I'm awake!'

I hugged him, 'Good morning~'

'I thought i upset you...' He pouted, 'Don't trick me like that...'

I sat on his lap and kissed his head, 'Mianhamnida~' I giggled.

'Hey...Can we go to the beach today?'

'Mwo? Why?'

'The weather's nice...And the past few days you seemed like you needed to relax...'

'Aigoo...You were worried about me?'

'How could I not? You sat in the kitchen on the counter staring at the medicine cupboard...' He stroked my cheek, 'That made me worry...You also pulled your hair out a little..I saw it in the sink...'

I sighed, 'Sorry...'

'It's fine~ Lets get dressed and go~!' He smiled.

~~ 

The beach was mostly empty, we escaped to a section that was completely empty. Just vast stretches of golden sand and calm waves.

I looked at him, hugging his arm and smiling.

'Ah~ This is so nice~' 

I stretched out on the sand and sighed happily, holding his hand. He nodded.

'You okay?' I sat up, frowning.

He bit his lip, 'Just something on my mind...'

'Wanna talk about it?' I tilted my head, raising an eyebrow.

'Nah i'm fine...' He paused, turning to me, 'Actually...I do want to talk about it'

'What's up?'

'Can i ask you something?'

I nodded, 'of course Yeobo...'

He closed his eyes, pulled a box out his pocket and opened it.

'Will you marry me?' 

He looked at me with hopeful eyes.

I swallowed and threw my arms round his waist.

'Yes!' I sniffed, leaning back slightly, nodding. 'Yes'

His face lit up, hugging me closer and pulling me to the ground, kissing me softly and quickly before leaning back and pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

'I love you...' He smiled.

'I love you too' Returning the smile.

~~

The wedding...

Was interesting.

Over the last 7 months i made more friends than i ever imagined.

Of course i had to invite them...

Taemin, alongside his own Husband - Minho, had too much to drink and ended up leaving early and god knows what happened after that.

Onew was slightly better. But he did eat the most.

Woohyun, Kai and Chanyeol all decided that being the source of music was fun. It was kind of cute though. They seemed to work hard to do that together. Especially with Woohyuns ever-present stubbornness.

Tiffany, Sunny and Taeyeon all cooed over me and Jjong, ruffling our hair and giggling over how cute we apparently looked together. They then proceeded to take a million pictures which they stated they'd send us later.

Before Taemin left, he insisted on giving a speech.

He was tipsy. 

He basically roasted me. Like all good friends do.

I was happy though. 

But something wasn't right. 

I felt watched by someone that wasn't supposed to be present. I heard sounds that i wasn't supposed to. My head hurt. I fidgeted. But i had to hide it all because it was my wedding night.

~~

We went to Paris for our honeymoon. We had a gorgeous hotel and the best service.

Although...The best night was the first of the 7.

Now...Let me think...what do most newly-weds stereotypically do on a honeymoon...

It was 7pm. We'd just been dancing, went to a bar and had a few drinks.

We went back to the hotel, on the way back to our room we started to speed up. Outside the door we got touchy.

We flung the door open, rushed inside and locked it.

Oh we had fun alright. Tiring though. Bloody hell.

~~

The 7th night was the worst.

I had that feeling again.

Sore head.

Feeling watched.

I fidgeted.

I heard things.

This time i saw things.

Silhouettes, shadows.

I just clung to Jjong the whole time because i didn't want to admit how genuinely terrified i was about who or what it could be making me feel like this.

This was the first time in god knows how long that i'd felt this way - depressed, scared and stressed, i mean.

And when it hit me who it was that had been at my wedding and following me around France i woke up in a panic, sweating and close to tears.

That night we signed out of the hotel early.

Caught the quickest flight to Seoul and went home.

But she followed.

She always does.

I felt it on the plane.

I felt it in the airports.

I felt it on the way home.

When I told Jjong he told me not to worry. That she disappeared ages ago.

That she was long gone, she'd stopped bothering me.

But she was bothering me, she might have disappeared but now she was back. How could i not worry?

My sanity was again in danger here.

My life has been 90% depressing and scarring and 10% of it has been moments i can actually say i felt okay.

It makes me sad that i can't say i felt okay at my wedding, or reception or birthdays or honeymoon.

My whole life makes me sad.

I would give up right now if it wasn't for the love of my life. For the ring on my left hand.

I'd give up if it wasn't for the idea that maybe i'd win this. Win for good. 

But winning just seemed out of reach right now.

My whole life had been a nightmare.

I don't think it'll become a dream anytime soon.


	15. Chapter 14

I panted, scowling.

'Don't...please'

'You wrecked my life so i will not shy away from wrecking yours!'

'You don't have to. I'll fix everything'

'You cant give back what you took'

'I didn't mean to do it! I swear!'

I leant on the ground, looking up at the girl. She grabbed me by my hair and yanked me up.

'Oh really? You just happened to slit his throat?'

'Please don't do this. I'm sorry...I'm sorry....I'm so so sorry'

She dropped me and i whimpered, trying to push myself up. I was too weak from crying.

Why did i fall for this..

I screamed, pulling my hair out in frustration and she stepped behind my spouse.

He was tied to a chair. Gagged. He had cuts across his arms and face and it hurt to think it was my fault for even doing this. For falling in love when this whole time i knew the consequences.

She slowly dragged the blade of the knife across his collar and he whimpered incoherently. 

I dragged myself foreward.

'Move again and I kill him quickly'

'Please...What can i do to make you stop this?'

'Nothing!' She laughed.

I shivered and sank to the ground. 

'I need to grab something. Move and I kill both of you. Him first, then you. I'll make you watch'

She walked up the steps, out of the basement.

I pushed myself up and slowly grabbed a blade from the floor, i hid behind the door and waited.

As soon as i heard her footsteps i breathed in,

'For Jjong..' I thought.

'Ah~ Come out Kibummie~ You need to watch me rip his guts out i guess~'

I slipped out from behind the door and wrapped an arm around her neck.

'I don't think so...'

'Y-Y-Yah' She coughed, 'Can't breathe...'

'Good...'

'Let go...' 

'Hm....Nah'

She struggled, coughing.

'Move again and i kill you...Nice and slowly~'

She was breathing heavily.

'O....Okay'

I dragged the blade across her collar.

A line of pure carmine surfaced. She gasped, closing her eyes.

'Let him go'

'No! You deserve this!' She growled.

I repeated the same thing, a line a little lower formed.

'Let. Him. Go.'

'No.'

Again, i repeated. A line above the first two.

'Do i need to cut you again as a fourth warning?'

'N-no'

'Let him go'

She clenched her fists.

'No'

I put the tip of the knife against her chest.

'I hope to see you again Celeste~' I snarled, 'Because we're both going to hell'

She gulped.

I woke up. I sighed and stood up.

I lit a cigerette, slipping it between my teeth.

I kicked a can on the side of the street, blowing smoke out from between my teeth. It was 6 in the morning and I could see my breath tangle with the smoke. Not many people were awake right now. Unless they were working. But I knew one place that would be open.

I stood in front of the bookstore. Peeling paint and a vintage bell, you'd never expect to see someone like me here.

Me. Me with the cigarette and the soju. The one that is slowly going insane. The one that everyone avoided in Highschool. They knew. They all knew. Somehow they all knew my parents went mental. For no reason. One minute they were laughing and then something flickered in their mind. A spark ignited and that made them click.

I sighed and stubbed the cigarette on a wall. Guess I'd go through four today.

I pushed open the door and shut it quietly.

Nobody was at the desk most of the time. I may as well steal something, nobody would notice.

But this time when I opened the door someone was there.

'Annyeo- Do i know you?' He asked, raising an eyebrow, 'I'm Ki-'

'Kim Jonghyun' I finished, 'And i'm K-'

'Key'

'Have we met? How do you know my name...I only just started working here..'

'I...don't know'

The door opened behind me, i turned.

'Hello Kibum. You said that you hoped to see me again~'


End file.
